Today we hear of many “unhealthy relationships”. But how do we know whether a relationship is healthy or unhealthy? You see, our picture of what we think is a “healthy relationship” was probably modeled for us by our Parents, Hollywood movies and/or Pop music. But could it be possible that the model we’ve copied is not really the best pattern to follow?!

The term, “abusive relationship” is tossed around a lot today. But what exactly is an “abusive relationship”? And more importantly, what does it look like?

Now in order to better understand an “abusive relationship”, we first need to define the word, “abuse”. 

Abuse: “Abuse is the intentional or unintentional harm(s) done to another person in order to knowingly or unknowingly gain control over that person.”
Now most people’s definition of abuse stops about halfway through this definition, where one is intentionally or unintentionally harmed. But being harmed is only the obvious observation of someone being abused. People hurt people all the time. But what makes the hurt from “abuse” especially dangerous is when someone harms another person with the sole intent to control them.

Therefore, the Primary Danger of an “abusive relationship” is not found in the harm done(although this can be life threatening), but the Primary Danger of an “abusive relationship” is found in the control of one’s mind over another. 

This same control is found in the antichrist spirit of Babylon as revealed in Revelation 13:15, “The image of the beast should both speak and cause(force) as many as would not worship the image of the beast should be killed.” The spirit of Babylon therefore will force people to do what it wants it to do, even to the point of death. In other words, the Spirit of Babylon seeks to control.  And sadly, this spirit to control is found everywhere today!

Now let’s take a look at Physical Abuse, or more specifically, Domestic Violence. In Domestic Violence, the primary purpose of the abuser is not violence(Although there is often violence involved). But the primary purpose of the abuser is to control their spouse or partner. 

You see, what the abuser wants to do is move you off center from your own convictions, beliefs and thoughts so that you no longer have any of your own. Your mind has become so controlled and merged into the mind of your abuser that you sooner or later lose your own individuality, which is your power to think and to do. 

A friend of mine who retired as a police officer told me that there were two things about Domestic Violence calls. The first thing was that it was very dangerous. He said that they would never go into a Domestic Violence call alone. And that they would always wait for back up before they would go in. The second thing is that they would treat it as a homicide. In other words, they would treat the victim as if they were already dead. Because the next day, the victim would change their story and say that nothing happened. Or the victim would even turn and charge the police officers. They were treated as already dead by the officers because they knew that they had no mind of their own.

Have you ever known someone who was being Abused in a Domestic Violence Relationship, but who didn’t leave, even though they were told many times to do so? The problem wasn’t that they didn’t see the dangers of their beatings. But instead, they didn’t see that they’d been so manipulated and controlled by their abuser, that they’d lost themselves.

But how did these victims become like this? Sadly, many of these victims of abuse were really many times groomed for abusive relationships by their own parents. You see, when these victims were younger, their minds were so controlled by mom or dad in what to do, how to do, and even when to do things. that when they got older and started a relationship, they were drawn to these “Abusive Relationships”! 

And the worse part of these “Abusive Relationships” is that the victims often think that being abused in this way, is true love. But this type of “abusive relationship” is not Love. Instead it is a counterfeit love that looks like Love, but really isn’t.

True Love is God’s Love! For the Bible says, “God is Love” I John 4:8. And contrary to what many people believe, God’s Love never forces or controls. Instead, it always grants the freedom to choose!

God says in Jeremiah 31:3, “Yes, I have Loved you with an everlasting Love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.” In other words, rather than force us with His power, God instead seeks to win our hearts with His Love!  

And if this is how God our Father in heaven Loves us, then isn’t this how we should also Love each other? We should never force people to do things that we want them to do. But instead, we should seek to win their hearts with our Love for them in which they will willingly want to do things for us when we ask. This is Love as this is God’s Love. And I want this type of Love, how about you? Keala T.

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